Tim Burton can kiss my...

What is it about Tim Burton that everyone loves? I would love to know because I fail to see it. For weeks now, the internet has been buzzing with anticipation over the new Burton flick Alice in Wonderland. Everywhere I look (facebook, twitter, empireonline) people are telling me I must watch the new trailer because it looks simply scrumptious and apparently people just cannot wait for this instant classic!

I want to know how many of these people have read Lewis Carrolls original book. I want to know because I am certain that if they have, like I have, then they would see that Burtons adaptation is simply the wrong way to go with the film.

Alices Adventures in Wonderland, for me, isnt a childrens book concerning adult themes like many people seem to believe so vehemently. So many people think that because the Caterpillar is smoking a hookah, this is code for 'come on kids, lets get high!' despite the fact the hookah was a very well known instrument in Carrolls time, something which would be very normal to read about. Wonderland is about well, a wonderland. Somewhere a bored little girl goes in her imagination. A land full of wonderful and scary people and creatures, but all in their amusing own way, interesting. In my view, its supposed to be funny. The story was made up by Carroll on a boat trip to keep Alice and her sisters occupied. It was made up largely on the spot so how Carroll was supposed to put all these hidden meanings into it is quite phenomonal.

I would love, just once, for Burton to remain close to the original text. What he did to Charlie and The Chocolate Factory was disgusting. He made it eerie, he made it creepy. I agree partly that Willy Wonka is supposed to be an allusive character that your never supposed to know fully. But to make him downright creepy like that was just wrong. Im afraid Burton, and to some extent Johnny Depp (by the way Johnny, I think youve taken the whole 'Jack Sparrow' schtick a bit too far now and I along with many others would like you to return to some proper acting - thank you) are going to do the same to Alice.

I want to go into the ins and outs of the other things that bug me about this adaptation. Mostly to do with the mixing up of the two stories of Alices Adventures in Wonderland and Alice Through The Looking Glass And What She Found There but I would be here all night and Im tired and need to go to bed as Im working at 8.30 in the morning. Hopefully I will be less angry about this subject and have more wonderful stories from Morrisons to share.

Ill leave you with this drawing by Sir John Tennial for the original Alice in Wonderland story and leave you to decide what is best.

3 and a half hours and some spilt milk.

Its a shift thats a stain on my contract. And I have two of them. Every Monday and Wednesday I work from 2.30 till 6 and 12.30 till 4 respectively. I can hear the question ringing round your head as I type this. 'What the hell is the point in that?!' Im sorry, but I dont have an answer for you. What I want to know is why these shifts are placed at strategically unsocial and inconvienant times in the day. Morrisons tell me, why mid afternoon when I could be doing something productive with my day? Anyways, thats beside the point. Today was 12.30 - 4.

I was ten minutes late. People think I do these things on purpose. Well, sometimes I do. But not all the time! Not today! Today the bus genuinely didnt show up. I blame the little brother. He took forever putting his socks on.

It was a pretty non adventurous day. I was in a fairly decent mood so I took time out of my head and thinking about stuff to actually speak to the customers. Sometimes. I even asked a few if they wanted a hand with their packing (the few that looked like they really didnt need it. The old ladies struggled on without my kind offer, dont want to make them feel invalidated). Julianne managed to sneak off her till (12 tills away) to come and chat to me and tell me that she was still in a mood with Lukasz because of some out of order things he said the other day. Lukasz is Polish. Europeans have a fairly different approach to telling someone that they like them. Lukasz's approach was to ask Julianne to Edinburgh on Friday, despite having a girlfriend and a baby. What was in Edinburgh I do not know, and Julianne isnt going to go find out unfortunately, so now she isnt speaking to him. But I am.

Staying away from the Butchers in Morrisons is for me what giving up cigarettes is to a chain smoker. It just cannot be done. If I have tangerines to take back their department, Ill go by way of the Butchers (which is at the other end of the store from the tangerine department). My manager had me chained to the till all day today (I say all day, what I mean is three and a half hours) so I wasnt able to get up to the butchers during my shift, but no amount of management can stop me from going there when Ive finished.

As I walk up to the butchers, Stephen, the FFPP (fresh food pre packed) department manager has spilt some milk. 'Stephen, what have you done now!' I yell, full in the knowledge that sexy Lukasz can see and hear me. 'It was your fault!' cries Lukasz with a look of childlike glee on his face. Either hes really glad to see me, or he likes making me look like a fool. 'Ah no it was your fault!' I cry back equally gleeful to see my favourite smiley Polish Butcher. We continue to banter like this for a few minutes, it goes a little something like this

Me: I love the smell of the butchers *large sniff as if Im enjoying it*
Lukasz: That is fucking disgusting (you have to imagine him saying it in a thick Polish accent, its much better with the accent)
Lukasz: What time you finish today?
Me: 4 :D
Lukasz: YES!
Me: Lukasz, your mean! I cant believe you would say that!
The joyous gleeful smile has returned to Lukasz face, hes clearly enjoying winding me up

This continues until the inevitable happens and I cant understand what hes saying. I misunderstand that he is calling me nasty and we sort things out. As I walk away he says

'Are you nasty?' Which I then reply 'Yes, Im very nasty!' and continue walking away.

All in all it was a successful Lukasz day, despite Julianne being in a mood with him - 'no, Im not talking to him, Im in a mood with him.' 'Are you really, Julianne?' 'No, I just like saying it'.

3 and a half hours can be fun sometimes.

The Butterfly Effect on late nights.

Im a firm believer that the later the time of night, the better the film becomes. Your mind works differently past midnight, your more prone and more open to watch any old rubbish that comes on TV as long as it means your not giving into sleep. Its how I feel anyway. Laura last night asked me if I thought The Butterfly Effect was any good as it was on the TV and she wanted to watch it, and I had to say to her I wasnt sure as I hadnt seen it in a long time. it spurred me into an instant movie watching state of mind and suddenly I felt tempted to watch The Butterfly Effect again.

The last time I watched it was pretty unsuccessful. It was at university, with four of my seven flatmates all crowded round our 14 inch TV sitting on waiting room chairs in our halls of residence flat. I was keen to see it, but with four girls sitting round me, it was hard to concentrate and took in as much as I could. But I still got confused.

Last night was much more successful.

I was by myself in my silent room. A must if your going to watch a late night movie. Company isnt allowed. You cant have the computer on either. It just distracts you. I made sure I had turned it off before beginning the movie because no doubt, I would have sat for two hours with one eye on the movie, the other on my facebook home page where nothing would have happened anyway, but by god I wasnt going to miss when it did. So I lay down on my bed and turned on the TV.

I was a bit confused by the beginning. Firstly cause this wasnt how I remembered it beginning. (To be honest, the only thing I did remember from my first viewing was Ashton Kutchers crazy run/coasting fall down the corridor at the end of the film) and secondly, wasnt Ashton Kutcher supposed to be in this film? Where is he? Hes the pull! It plays out like Stand By Me at the beginning. Four friends hang out all summer. Evan with ridiculously fashionable hair for such a young boy - the cool one. Kayley, the girl from the wrong side of the tracks who just wants everyone to get along - the nice one. Tommy, Kayleys brother, troublemaker and bully - the bad one. And Lenny, scared of everything, including himself. Likes to build model airplanes - the weird one.

One day the four kids are bored and do something that goes wrong. Disastrously wrong. This incident becomes the central point of the story. Everything that happens in all their futures will be because of this one moment. Pretty simple stuff. The film drags for about an hour as you learn about the four kids and their different lives. It only really picks up the pace when Kutcher eventually appears. Im going to be different here and say I like Ashton Kutcher. I really like him in this film. Hes not an excellent actor, I can never see him winning major awards or critical acclaim but he holds his own as the grown up Evan who finds out he can time travel back to pivotal moments in his childhood through his journals. The middle act of The Butterfly Effect is really what is good about it. The revelation that not only can Evan time travel back, but he can change the future with what he changes in his past is a great hook for any film. Kutcher makes Evan a likeable guy when he tries to help Kayley out of the rut shes living in when he travels back in time to stop her father abusing her. We soon find out though that whatever he changes for the good in the past, he changes something for the worst in the future.

It would have been good for the writers to just stop with the premise there. Its when they continue down the road of Evan changing the past that the film gets ridiculous. We begin to see Evans alternate universes. One where he ends up in prison and has to convince his cellmate that hes the second coming so he will help him out. It was at this point I began to wonder where this film was going. How could this film honestly travel down this route any further? It manages to realise this just in time and maybe, just maybe saves the idea before the end.

The ending is a little to wishy washy and far fetched for me. It never felt like the kind of film where we were going to see everyone happy. Its a dark film with light humourous undertones which stops it from becoming to serious. Ethan Suplee as Evans huge goth roommate, Thumper is a great example of this. I felt a bit cheated by the end. It felt rushed and forced. For me, I would have preferred it to end either a little less happy or maybe five to ten minutes before it did.

Overall I enjoyed it. The sections about the four kids have a great nostalgia/coming of age feel about them, and even if it isnt really executed well, its fun to see the characters change in each alternate universe. A great late night movie. But hey, its late night. Everythings great past midnight.

I work in a Supermarket.

Morrisons, to be precise. For people who dont work in a supermarket, I am here and I am going to try my best to relay to you my daily adventures in Morrisons, with a little help from my camera phone.

Every good adventure story needs a list of characters, so heres mine.

* Julianne - my main player. Whatever high jinks I get up to on my skiving rounds, its usually with her. Whether it be hiding from managers behind the bailer, or stalking Polish men, Julianne is with me, my twin.

* Laura - my other main player. She only works the weekend now but shes still a main player and my one of my best friends so she will be popping up. Oh, and she dates the manager.

* Kerry - never a dull moment with Kerry around! Keep an eye out for her memorable phrases!

* Sherry - my lovely manager.

* Rory, Liam and Andrew - the checkout boys.

* Lukasz - The Polish Butcher. Remember the name, it will appear lots

* David - Polish butcher number 2.

* Joe - A butcher boy.

* Stacey - Once upon a time worked in Home and Leisure, then became our checkout supervisor, then became personnel supervisor.

Well, thats the players, just to introduce you. The reason Im doing this is I think the place I work is special and full of characters that the world should know about. There are more, but the people up top make the supermarket I work in a fun and worthwhile place to be. I hope I keep this blog, I hope I update it with my stories. Im a huge fan of film and stuff so no doubt that will creep in, and other things that happen to me will find a way here so enjoy!